Thursday, September 22, 2011

The Whole Flying Thing...

I started out in life HATING the whole flying thing.  I would tell myself that airplanes were so stupid, and I would NEVER get on one!  However, life happened....and I had to fly somewhere. 

Starting out, I was a HORRIBLE flier.  I was one of those people that would grip the seat the WHOLE time!  If there was turbulence, I would grip harder and pray.  Okay, so I basically prayed throughout the whole flight.  The whole ordeal was BEYOND stressful for me.  I was a bundle of nerves from about 2 weeks prior to the flight...until we landed on the ground.  Why so stressful??  Well, I'm NOT one of those people that think "nothing bad will ever happen to me."  You see...I just ASSUME the bad things WILL happen to me.  I'm just one of those people that think if something could go will go wrong for me.  If a plane is going down, it will be MY plane.

Unfortunately, I wasn't just born with this attitude.  It's a creation of growing up...and actually having crazy shit happen to me (that doesn't seem to EVER happen to anyone else).  Example: I was a freshman in high school.  Me and my friends went to a soccer game... I can't exactly remember who I was with, but it doesn't really matter.  Anyway... we were walking by the older hot guys trying to look cute...when all of a sudden IT HAPPENED!  A FUCKING SOCCER BALL CAME FLYING OFF THE FIELD AND INTO THE STANDS.  Out of allllllll the damn people HITS ME RIGHT IN THE HEAD!  Laughter ensues among the entire Harrison soccer fan viewers.  I mean what the fuck?!!?  Out of all the games when balls don't go flying out of the field...out of allllll the spectators... out of allll the assholes in the whole place... IT HAD TO BE ME!  I laughed it off....and walked along with my friends (who all laughed as they pretended to care if I was okay).  OK...I would have laughed too if it had happened to someone else.  I just acted like it was no big deal...but I wanted to CRY!  I wanted to crawl into a hole and die.  THAT, my friends, is the story of my life.  If something crazy can happen, it's going to happen to me.

So, back to the whole flying thing.  Once I moved to Florida, I became a much better flier.  I had to travel a bit with my job, so I had to get used to it.  And...Xanax helped with that ;)  Then, I met Brian and was flying every other weekend.  I actually became a person who loved to fly.  I never thought it would happen...but it did.  HOWEVER, just about a year ago, my worst fear resurfaced.  I jumped a flight to...well...I forget where.  I've been to so many damn places...they all get jumbled at this point.  I remember I was traveling alone, and I'm normally fine with that.  BUT...this flight had more turbulence than I had ever experienced.  I wanted to cry the whole time.  I was certain I was going to die.  Well... obviously... I didn't.  But...after that, I was OVER flying.  Of course, it is impossible to lead my life and not ... I've been on many planes since then.  All...horrible.  The smallest bit of turbulence scares me.  Ugh...I hate being this loser with such a ridiculous fear.

On to my point!  This past weekend I flew to Boston.  My bestfriend, Leah, was having her bridal shower, and I wouldn't miss it for the world.  ONLY bad part..I had to fly!  Now, if I get stressed, that's one thing....BUT my poor child is feeling the stress now.  I HATE it.  I can't take a Xanax or have a couple hundred cocktails..I have to grin and bear it.  SUCKS.  So, the flight to Boston started off fine.  BUT...after we were in the air for about an hour, the big bad turbulence struck.  Of course, the fucking pilot never once came on the intercom and told us we were just going through rough air... which always helps me when I'm freaking out.  If the pilot is calm, I can usually calm myself down.  Didn't hear from that pilot ONCE! I was starting to wonder who in the hell was flying the damn plane!  Never did hear from that asshole.  So, I start to notice that Stanley is kicking up a storm.  Every time I start to freak out over turbulence, he kicks me! I am... up in the air... my child is kicking me... I'm trying to calm down for his sake... and a million thoughts were rushing through my head.  My thoughts from the air: (1) I'm going to die without ever seeing my child (2) My sweet boy is going to die because I'm on this damn plane (3) If I make it, he's going to have a nervous condition (4) If we die, my mother will have to be sedated for the rest of her life (5) Brian better not even THINK about marrying someone else later in life...or I will come back to haunt them all (6) Damn... I wish Boston was closer.  (7) I am soooo not ready to die on a damn plane. (8) this going to hurt when we nose dive down into the earth? (9) What if I'm the only survivor?!  Perhaps Barbara Walters will interview me about my trying times.  Maybe I could get a book deal out of it.

So, as these thoughts go racing through my head, I do realize that there is nothing I can do at this point.  BUT...  No, I can't take the thoughts away.  Yes, I wish I could be more positive.  I don't think I will ever change into someone that just doesn't think about the horrible possibilities.  Even though...I totally need to for my child.  I can't have this nervous little boy walking around.   

The flight home wasn't as bad...thanks to a nice muscle relaxer my Neurologist cleared for me.  The only thing to complain about in that flight. The dude sitting next to me was beyond smelly.  He reaked of cigarettes and cheap cologne (wearing so much in an attempt to cover up the ashtray that he was).  His hair was THIN on top...and LONG & CURLY in the back.  AND...he decided to rock the wet look.  Total barf.  He kept trying to talk to his cigarette ruined raspy voice.  Not to mention his snaggle tooth...which he decided needed to be seen....since he smiled at me the whole time.  He was one of those guys that if you slapped him on the are almost positive cigarette smoke would come flying off him.  Yuck. 

So... because of my stressful flying time... I decided as soon as I got pregnant.... to ONLY travel or fly if it was absolutely necessary.  Leah is necessary.  So, I only have two more flights to make it through... the flights to and from Boston for my Best Friend's Wedding!  Brian will be traveling with me for those, so it won't be as stressful.  He tends to laugh when my eyes get all HUGE from turbulence.  Otherwise, I've had to cancel the all the trips I was signed up for ....Vegas, Florida, Texas, etc.  I just can't put my little man through the stress!  

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