Sunday, July 31, 2011

Fisherman & Moe: The Insinuation

Okay... so while moving in... these two dudes came to uncrate our high valued items (grandfather clock, huge mirrors, paintings, put together the treadmill, curio cabinet.. ok you get the idea).  It was like a father-son team.  The old dude looked something like a fisherman from The Deadliest Catch, and his son looked like Moe from the Three Stooges.  Everything seemed to be going smoothly... they arrived early and seemed capable of doing the job.  Yeeaaa... well... it went south... quickly.  It's like... are people retarded??!!  Don't f*ck with a pregnant woman in her own home.  I can't stand rudeness... especially now.  Okay.. so here is what caused me to flip...

I've had a place for the grandfather clock picked out for weeks.  It's going right in the foyer... by the front door... near the staircase.  Ok, so this father and son team should respect that right??  Umm... shall I remind everyone that it is MY home?!?!  If I want that clock in the middle of the f*ckin kitchen, then these losers should just do it!  SO... old man fisherman says, "Well, I don't think this is a good place for this clock.  Usually they don't work well near the front door."  I said, "Okay... well I'm sure it will work considering it was near the front door in my home in Indiana."  After he gives me a horrible look, I say,"Plus, it's really just a pretty piece.  I have never once looked at it for the time."  I chuckle .... thinking he would just go with my upbeat attitude regarding MY clock.  He just said, "Ok, whatever." 

He goes to get more parts or ya know... something.  I left the room, and he returned with Moe ...I mean his son.  Anyway... he runs to my husband and tells him that this isn't a good spot for the clock.  Brian yells for me to come in there.  [Old fisherman really tried to get my husband to place the clock elsewhere.... as if they MUST be on the same team regarding this clock issue since they are all MEN.  Oh please.  This haggard fisherman better recognize.  I rule this home.  This isn't a man's world around here... it's Sam's world dammit!]  So, as I was saying, Brian yells for me (the ruler of the Herington household).  As I walk into the room, the father-son team clearly don't recognize that the queen of the household has just entered the damn room, and they should kneel before me. I decide to let it slide ;) 

The old fisherman that is now sweating through his shirt says, "I don't know about this clock being here.  I mean what if someone falls down the stairs?  They could break the glass on the clock.  And... if someone slams the front door open, it might hit the clock."  (side note: to fall down our staircase and fall into the clock.. lol that would have to be like a serious someone pushed me down the stairs attempting to kill type of fall.)  So, I said, "Ummm... if someone has THAT kind of fall, then we will have bigger issues than broken glass.  Plus, I already thought about the door opening situation."  He snapped back with, "Well if you really thought of it... how come you didn't say anything before?"  I immediately got annoyed.  I said, "There was no reason to say anything.. it's not an issue."  So, he says, "well kids could slam the door open and break the clock."  I immediately think he is talking about my step-kids, and I get very shitty with him.  I said, "Who just throws a door open like that and slams things?"  (here is the deal.... I can talk about my step-kids but YOU can't!  I'm the same way with family members, friends, or loved ones... YOU can't talk about them!)  He then points to my stomach and says, "Well, your baby is going to do that."  (THAT was IT for me!  If you ever insinuate my child is going to do something bad like run out the front door and slam doors, it is VERY possible I will kill you.)  He immediately looks at his son, and they start laughing... as if I was just some idiot that didn't know how children act.  I flipped.  I said, "Wow... who lets their child just run around slamming things and running out the front door?!?!  My child isn't going to be an idiot!  I mean who doesn't watch their children?  Obviously TRASH allow their children to run a muck and run outside unaccompanied."  I could feel myself getting ready to ask him what trailer park he and Moe were from.  I turn and walk away.  Of course, my mouth was running out of control.  I was saying whatever popped into my head.  As I walked away screaming, "See.. WE can actually afford to child proof our home...unlike some folks that can't make enough money to do so.  In fact, some people actually watch their children ... some children are loved and some end up working with their fisherman father."  Was I being rude?  Absolutely!  But THIS is my home.  If you disrespect me, just hold on to your hat.  I mean Brian already warned them that I was pregnant... is this fisherman an idiot?  Now, Brian was left just standing there.  He already knew the clock WASN'T moving.... he wanted it there too.  And...if he didn't, it doesn't matter anyway.  I'm not really sure how he wrapped that conversation up, but the clock stayed put.  The father-son team got back to work. 

I immediately run to the kitchen and phone my mother.  I tell her the situation as loud as possible.  Ya know, so father and son idiots can hear me talk about their ridiculousness.  So, I'm ranting... and she couldn't believe that I was talking right in front of them.  As I tell her every detail, she relays the situation to my father.  They already know I'm a force to be reckoned with... so they just laugh it off.   The son, Moe, walked by and looked at me with straight fear. He clearly wasn't laughing now.  I won't go into everything I said... because it wasn't nice.  But.. I don't care.  (I know I'm a nice and caring person to those who are the same with me.  Most people consider me a very generous person.  So, I could really care less what these two idiots think of me.)  Brian kept walking by me ... giving me that look.  He was so embarrassed, but at the same time he wouldn't dare say anything.  The last thing he wants is for me to redirect my anger towards him.  So, he just stays calm and acts as if nothing is going on. 

So, these assholes continue to have questions.. like where our mirrors go.  Brian runs to me, because he knows I have a well laid out plan for every single piece of furniture.  They asked him where our huge mirror goes.  Brian yells for me and asks me.  I come into the room and say, " Well, I want it on the wall behind the couch in the living room, but THAT is just MY opinion.  I'm sure everyone else will want to put it wherever they see fit."  Brian could tell I had much more to he just said, "OKAY!  Behind the couch is going to look GREAT!"  Not a peep from anyone else in the room.  I walk back into the kitchen.  The rest of the day went on like that... my shitty remarks kept popping up. 

Look... I'm a nice person.  I have plenty of nice things to say to just about every single person I meet.  BUT for f*ck sakes... if you are disrespectful to me, I'm going to dish it right back.  I would expect anyone else to react the same way.  Ya see, I don't think hormones had anything to do with this. You talk about my kids (or insinuate they are too stupid to open a door like a calm and rational human) then I'm going to get fired up.  It's simple.  

Now... the day I fall downstairs into the clock... I will call the fisherman and Moe and apologize.  Until then... I will loathe those two individuals.


  1. I love love love your stories ......could read them alllllll night!

  2. lol... thanks, Sue!! My life sure gets crazy sometimes, but you just gotta sit back at laugh at all of it!! :)